Tuesday, December 13, 2011

"New Direction"

Feelings of excitement, anxiety, hope and fear fill my heart today. As I enter into a "New Direction" as I start a Medically Supervised weight loss program tomorrow. Basically a supervised starvation. I keep telling myself, I can do this as I stress and think about all the food I should be "chewing" today. The Holidays are upon us and that seems to be the worst time to turn your direction on food. The doctor said I should wait until after the holidays but I say NO. Do I want to add 5-10 lbs. of "seasonal" food? NO!! Weight Watchers was ok. 29 lbs. in 6 months wasn't bad. But then after vacation in July came a whole new set of stresses.

Ruben's Mom cancer. Put a whole new swing into our family dynamics. He was absent most of the time during September-October and when he was here, he was a zombie. And to top that off, I broke my arm the day before we found out she had cancer. 3 casts and 6 weeks of therapy and 75% permanent use of my hand and wrist. Trying to hold a household together with an absent spouse and trying to hold him together, is trying. Crap, who has time for this!! All the while, I started home-schooling Izabell-a lot of times she has been a self starter and learner. I hope I have not done her a dis-service. She is far ahead of where she should be and doing a lot of junior high work only being in 6th grade. So fingers crossed that I have done my job. Olivia started high school and oh how I worry about this child. She is so spirited and hard-headed. She has had to deal with "girl" drama and girls can be so mean. Being part of the leadership team for school, building a homecoming float in our driveway leaving the paint mess, that is still there today. I don't have time to deal with that either. She also had a challenging volleyball season with a new coach which resulted in Olivia resigning 2 weeks before the season was done. I hope it has not broken her spirit and the love for sports. Maggie-she has gotten herself into a huge pickle. She decided to take 2 AP classes and 2 Honors classes her senior year. Of all years!! This should have been an easy year to enjoy herself. Instead she is stuck studying for 4-5 hours a night. Her grades to, have suffered from our stressful 3 months. College apps are done and now the waiting game to see if her academics and extra-curricular are good enough. I am starting to feel a tinge of empty nest as the reality of her going away to college in 8 or so months. Oh my, where has the time gone?

Stress-we all have it in different forms and some worse than others. I am not complaining or giving excuses, but the bad thing for me is, I am a stress eater and always have been. Late nights are the worst when it is quiet and I think a lot. Lack of sleep also results from this. Average of about 5 hours a night for me. But on the flip-side, I could sleep all day!

Health #1-I need to do this! I need to lose weight! 2 years ago this month I found out I had a large tumor on my ovary, along with some other junk in my uterus and an elevated CA125 which by all accounts ment cancer. We wouldn't know for sure until surgery. Had to make plans for the "what if's". That was the longest, slap a fake smile on my face Christmas I had ever had! Surgery in mid January resulted in a total hysterectomy and thankfully got rid of any signs of cancer! Now recovery......a long recovery. I ended up with cellulitis and a gaping whole in my stomach that had to be stripped and cleaned twice a day for a couple months. I think it finally closed the end of April. I thank God everyday for the Mother I was blessed with to take care of me. Yes, my hubby, kids and friends were wonderful but my Mom had to do the heart wrenching task daily of cleaning that hole. She cried as I cried in pain. Only a Mother would understand. Now I only occasionally have a tinge of incision pain. That is nothing compared to HOT FLASHES. Yes, full-blown menopause started when I woke up from surgery. I can't take hormones because of family history so I just deal with menopause like any other ailment in my life. Suck it up!

Health #2 I have had surgery on both my knees. Arthritis and old injuries back from junior high. I was active until that junior high injury. Back them they didn't do fancy tests or surgeries. I had a torn meniscus and a cyst on my right knee and had micro-fracture done on my left knee because I have no cartilage. I still have no cartilage. The doc said no replacement until I'm 40 and lose weight. Well guess what, I'm 40 and haven't lost enough weight. So I live with the pain daily. Which in turn means no exercise because it hurts. Vicious circle. Excuse? Maybe, but who likes pain?

Health #3 When I had all my testing before my hysterectomy, they found that my L1 and L2 both had healing from an old break. Humm....maybe that old injury from senior year in Mexico? Who knows. I just know that it bothers me once in a while and I know the added weight I'm carrying around doesn't help.

Health #4 Last year I was diagnosed with hypertension and put on medication. My blood sugar and cholesterol are ok but that's just a matter of time. When I went in last week for a screening and had an EKG, the doc found that my heart is enlarged. Not good because that means it's working overtime. OK-TIME to do something!

I am blogging this for me. This is something I can refer back to when it gets tough. It is for you, if you ask why so drastic? I will continue to write on here through my journey to refer back to and remind myself why.

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